God's Unconditional Love Officially Terminated

Earth- Mass panic ensued among Christians last Sunday when God issued a formal statement from Heaven saying that His pure and sublime love, on which millions of people depend, will no longer be provided unconditionally.

"If you want my love you're going to have to earn it," said God, backed by a chorus of Seraphim who continuously sang His praise. "This generally involves being a good person, and making at least one genuine attempt to benefit humanity over the course of your painfully short lives."

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